Star Trek: The Motion Picture (Paramount, 1979)
I am a proponent of analyzing films in their historical and artistic contexts. I believe that film (as any art) should be evaluated as a product of its time. Likewise, it is interesting to understand how art of the past influences that work, and how that work influences the new work of others in the future.
In full disclosure, I am a Star Trek fan. It is a franchise that has its ups and downs. At its best, it is thought provoking and inspiring; at it’s worst, it is, to be frank, embarrassing.
Star Trek: The Motion Picture is interesting to study because it exists at a series of intersections. These intersections push and pull the film in different directions, and ultimately create a very odd duck of a movie that, to be candid, kind of sucks.
The History of the Future
If you are not familiar, the original Star Trek aired on NBC from 1966 to 1969. It gained a cult following and only increased in popularity after it’s cancellation, something unique in a time before streaming services, digital recordings, or even VCRs. Conventions were regularly held in which nerds would turn up by the thousands to do whatever it is nerds do at conventions – not that I would know, because I’m too cool for that shit personally and I don’t like people.
Anyway, this simmering demand eventually made some executives realize that there could be more money to be made from the Star Trek brand. There was talk of making a new TV series, Star Trek: Phase II, that would star the original cast. The brand was revered enough that there were even plans for it to be the flagship program to launch Paramount’s own television network to compete with the big three: ABC, CBS, and NBC. (This eventually did happen in the 1990’s, with UPN and a Star Trek spinoff called Star Trek: Voyager.)
In the late 70’s something really grabbed the executives’ attention: a little film called Star Wars. You probably heard of it. It made almost a billion fucking dollars. That’s a billion fucking 1977 dollars, which is like 3.3 billion fucking 2020 dollars.
To put that in perspective, the highest grossing film of all time is Avengers: Endgame, which made 2.7 billion fucking 2020 dollars. So like 20% more fucking dollars when adjusted for inflation.
That’s a lot of fucking dollars.
So of course while a write-in campaign and conventions from nerds might be cool and all, you have to have a serious aversion to money to not think, “Hey, Star Trek has half the words in its title in common with Star Wars, so maybe it can make half the money of Star Wars, too!”
This is, of course, why executives make money hand over fist. I assume.
OK, but talk about the movie now.
Fine. I’ve gone this far without really explaining what this movie is. Consider this your spoiler alert for a boring movie that came out over forty years ago. So get with the times, man.
Here is the plot of the film: A mysterious space cloud is coming towards Earth. The starship Enterprise, lead by now-Admiral James T. Kirk, must investigate.
So, they fly into the cloud, only to find out it’s actually a probe sent out from Earth in the 20th century that learned so much it became alive. Now it’s trying to return its data per its programming. Once they figure that out, they give it the code so it can send its data, and then it, like, disappears or something.
That’s it. That’s the movie. So why on Earth is it over two fucking hours?
Well, here’s the thing. The took the screenplay for the pilot of Star Trek: Phase II that they hamfisted it into a full length movie. There is probably about, oh, an hour worth of actual story, which would be perfect for a two-part pilot episode once you throw in like twenty minutes of fan service so the nerds can get their rocks off.
And this is the thing. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen any Star Trek, but you know what my favorite part about it was, growing up? That they talk out their problems. Yeah there are space battles here and there, and sometimes there are weird aliens, but mostly it’s the Enterprise bumbling around encountering weird shit in space and then having to figure out how to escape alive.
And that’s exactly what this movie is. It’s the Enterprise bumbling around with the crew trying to solve this mystery before the cloud blows up Earth or whatever.
Star Trek: The Motion Picture is like what would happen if you took the pacing and special effects of 2001: A Space Odyssey and mixed it with an uptight version of the gang from Star Wars, and added in all the excitement of a trip to Iowa.
To channel William Shatner: And there is so much. Watching people. Watch. Things. In this movie.
Watch Kirk look at the Enterprise! Watch the gang watch a transporter malfunction (my first scar for life from a movie)! Watch the crew watch the view screen! Something like 60% of this movie must be reaction shots. It’s unreal.
Not exaggerating, at one point Scotty takes Kirk over to the Enterprise and they fly around it for FIVE MINUTES. Why use three shots when you can use three hundred?
There are some subplots: Kirk’s raging hard on for the Enterprise. Spock’s valuable lesson about friendship. McCoy’s love of disco.
(For real. Check it out.)
But mostly it was a bunch of dudes going to check out a cloud.
Oh by the way, it’s directed by the guy who edited Citizen Kane and directed West Side Story. WTF.
VERDICT
Growing up, my friend referred to this movie as “Star Trek: The Pajama Party.”
Not worth watching. Unless you’re a Star Trek fan, in which case owning a copy is obligatory.